The Healing of Wounds

(Written July 14, 2008)

Well...it's time. 

I don't know if I necessarily believe that "Time heals all wounds." But I do believe, in time, God heals them.

What a journey Wes and I have been on in the last year. The very hope that helps us to get out of the bed, is the same hope that helps us to sleep at night. A hope that God is in control and our minds can not comprehend what He truly has in store for us. Cuz let me tell you, it's gonna be awesome! :)

In March, after eight months of anxiously praying and waiting, I took a positive pregnancy test. Emotions were uncontainable...I was excited, nervous, anxious. The list goes on. But with those emotions came an assurance that God was with us and He was taking care of us, and our baby. My doctor and nurses understood my anxiety and were extremely sensitive to it. I came in for weekly sonograms to check for that most precious heartbeat. I experienced some cramping during those weeks and they saw me immediately to check on our baby. They assured me the baby was fine and I was doing great. On Tuesday, April 1st, I went in with an uncomfortable feeling. They checked the baby and said everything was great. If I sat still enough (which was almost impossible) I could almost see the heartbeat. It was faint, but was still there. It was as if God breathed His very breath into me, saying "I am here." We went home, feeling secure in what we had seen, but still somewhat nervous. 

Later that night, I felt the very same breath from earlier that day taken from me. I went to the doctor the next morning to have my fears confirmed. My doctor and nurses were in shock. I almost felt I needed to comfort them. With blood work taken previously that week, they discovered I have luteal phase deficiency. It sounds so much scarier than it is. My body produces progesterone, just not enough to keep our baby developing. It is medically fixable and my doctor is ready and on-hand when we're ready for the hormone.

So here we are again, in the midst of a trial that we struggled through last July. Where do you even begin to heal? Or am I even healed from our last loss? How do you keep your faith in something so damaging and unfair? These are questions I ask, daily. I deal with sadness, anxiety, and even anger on somedays. But I have learned that I can't allow these things to overcome my true being. I was told that it's okay to question God, just don't doubt Him and who He is. 

God is bringing us to a place in our lives and in our marriage that we depend solely and completely on Him. There is no room for self. Do I still deal with those same emotions and ask those same questions? Everyday. But I feel God working His peace in my heart and in my life. It is evident in so many that have encouraged Wes and I through each of our losses. We have the greatest family and friends. Healing begins in Christ, but it is carried through, I feel, in those on earth who literally carry us through these times. We are truly blessed.

To my Aunt Amy, who has always been my strength. Who would have ever though that our journeys through trial would bring us to where we are. I truly believe that YOUR angels are in heaven taken care of MY two angels, as you have always taken care of me. I love you.

To my husband, who tried so hard to make everything perfect, I appreciate your endless effort. You are my forever hero. Thank you for continuously picking up the pieces of my brokenness and so carefully putting me together. I love you.

My best friend Ashley, whom I can share my deepest of joys and pains with. You are one who sees me at my most "raw" and real moments, and still love me the same. Our life would not be complete without you and Knox. I love you.

To my family, the foundation from which I come. Words lose me when I think of how much I love each of you. I am truly, truly blessed.

God is constantly building a strong foundation of faith, courage, and love in Wes and I. We claim our future in Him daily and can only imagine what true blessings are in store for us.

A very wise man, (My Diddy), once told me that it is in the valleys that we catch a glimpse of who God truly is. If there were no valleys, there would be no mountains. We are definitely in our valley, but I can't wait to share the top of our mountain with everyone.